Family

My husband, Jerry, goes in for a lumbar fusion operation this week. The poor guy just had a 4-level neck fusion three months ago.

I knew he was a super hero when I married him. He’s a marathoner and ultra endurance athlete whose dream is to do the Hawaii Ironman. He’s also a Physical Education teacher. Plus, he’s married to me, which is no cake walk. Unfortunately, his spine is not a super great one. He has experienced radiating pain, nerve damage and numbness in his legs for a long time. He is even more of a super hero than I originally thought.

Anyway, although he’ll be practically bionic 12 months from now, we are in the market for a manny at this time. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, a manny is a male version of a nanny. (For the record, Jerry supports hiring a manny, provided he can meet all the requirements!)

Please be sure to read through to the bottom to note some additional considerations.

Hours for this position will be Monday through Friday, 4 a.m. to 9 p.m.

Manny will tend to tasks including, but not limited to the following:
–Make coffee at 4 am, and otherwise on demand and upon request.
–Must be a remarkable singer and performer. Manny will be required to wake the kids up each morning at 6:30 by singing their favorite songs in great fashion.
-Make a deluxe, gourmet breakfast every morning. Probably waffles and pancakes and cereal for the kids and omeletes to order for the Mrs, and what the heck, also for the guy with the big brace on lying on the couch over there.
–Follow the boys around in the morning, cleaning the toothpaste from their sinks, and collecting their dirty clothes after they change for school.
–Make lunches for the boys, including making origami out of the notes their Mommy writes for them to be included in the lunch boxes.
-Haul garbage, preferably before it is overflowing.
-Keep up on the laundry (approx. 1 load/day would be a good start).
–Deep-clean all the grout in all the rooms that have tile. If necessary, re-grout.
–Sand and touch up/repair/paint all dents and marks on the painted walls and baseboards.
–Offer, and go, to the grocery store as often as requested (could be several trips in a day for one item each trip).
-Cook delightfully delicious and unique dinners. Lean meats on the grill, with a great fresh salad and vegetable at the minimum for dinner each night, with at least one, but usually two, homemade dessert(s) from which to choose.
–Make terrific fresh salads for lunch every day.
-Sort through all the outdoor gear in the garage and basement and compartmentalize into color-coded tubs by sport and season. Be ready and willing to hunt gear down and get it together for our outings on a moment’s notice.
–Must be a self-starter when it comes to cleaning up the house. Must be a white tornado-type who deep cleans the house 1-2 times per day. We don’t use dusters here so candidate must be adept at using a cloth. The tile and wood floors need to be hand-scrubbed. Candidate will be expected to remove his shirt and do the scrubbing of the floors in the family room in the evenings when the Mrs. is relaxing in same room perhaps reading a book and sipping wine at the end of the day.
-Also needs to be really good crumb picker-upper. Crumbs must be collected in a timely manner from all surfaces, including but not limited to floors, counters and tables.
–Must rake leaves if there are any. Before they pile up.
–Must shovel our walks before we need to use them. There must never be any snow accumulation on our sidewalks or driveways. Also must be willing to do our neighbors’ walks 2-3 times per winter. This may result in more homemade holiday gifts from them so Manny will be encouraged to do more often so long as it doesn’t prevent him from getting the Johnsons’ work done.
-Scrub the toilets and the bathroom floors, counter, bath and shower a minimum of one time per day.
–Playdoh at the end of the day must be sorted through and somehow any colors that got mixed must be extracted so each playdoh is restored to its original color and quantity. This is a big deal for our toddler and your abiding to this will not go unrewarded. (If time permits, Manny will also be expected to collect each Johnson family member’s shoes and pluck any playdoh from their soles if so implanted).
-Come well-equipped. There will be no spontaneous or repetitive trips to the Hardware store. Manny must have all the tools to do the job right the first time when he reports to this position.
-Needs to have a positive, cheerful disposition but not be too chatty. Preference given to the candidate who doesn’t necessarily talk, but who is a spectacular listener. (Come to think of it, candidate needs to be someone who naturally wants to listen and asks questions that he thinks the Mrs. might want to address. NOTE: As long as the Manny can get the job done, he doesn’t have to talk at all. Just listen, listen, listen. If Manny does engage in discussion it will be amicable and supportive in nature.)
–Replenish the back yard with sod at no cost. Ideal candidate will be industrious and creative and therefore know how to get materials for little, or no cost.
–Be available to dispose of any spiders or bugs spotted, on command.
–Rub the Mrs.’ feet, probably every day.
–Change the oil and stay on top of keeping all the Johnson vehicles cleaned and running in great condition, to the point where they each have the “new car” smell in them.
–Be willing to watch an unlimited amount of movies geared toward women (sometimes referred to as “chick flicks”, and could include episodes of “So You Think You Can Dance”)
–Set the DVR up when asked, and DVD player and surround sound implementation with every movie we watch. This should be automatic.
–Must be willing, and show an eagerness to join in on head-banging and break-dancing, even if it’s to Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus, and to enthusiastically embark in the Johnson “Crusher Wrestling Matches” our family is accustomed to having, without complaint, and with great vim & vigor.
–Unload and load the dishwasher at all times, several times a week, keeping counters cleaned and uncluttered at all times.
–One massage at the end of the day for the Mrs. would likely improve relations throughout the house.
–Be ready to climb a tall ladder or through difficult obstacle course-like conditions to fetch things that are out of the Johnsons’ reach.
–Always brush the snow off the cars and make sure the cars are all toasty when we’re ready to get in them.
–Make any necessary calls to Verizon, etc.
–Must have a teapot of hot water on the stove ready to pour at any time throughout the day for the Mrs. to have her Yerba mate or tea.
–Manny will always have wine on hand for the Mrs. and will be quick to offer and pour her a glass no later than 5:01 pm. He may occasionally be called upon to provide a can of beer to the Mr. who is lying on the couch with a sore back.
–Other tasks TBA

SPECIAL NOTES:
• Friday is casual day: Leave the cape at home on this day.
• Benefits: Upon doing all of the above, Manny will benefit by getting to work in a very positive atmosphere surrounded by happiness and love. It will be a “fun” place at which to work.
• Salary: N/A. Ideal candidate will be someone who is looking for first-hand experience. This isn’t a “job” as much as it is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity from which to build your portfolio and muscles.
• Preferences: Preference will be given to candidate who is in his 20s, and/or who resembles Antonio Banderas, and can tango.
• Research indicates that given the scope of work and high expectations, a Nanny might be a better fit. But we remain hopeful.
• Summary: M is for Mature, A is for Athletic, N is for Nature-Loving, N is for Nurturing, and Y is for Yes (it will help if candidate is a Yes Manny)

Thank you to my many girlfriends who contributed to the job description: Erica Mazurie, Jill Ooten, Anne Austin, Kathy Browning, Regina Woodhouse, my sisters Alicia Haulman and Amber Hollins, my mom, Deborah Ellis, Gina Krieger, Holly Copeland, Barb Cartwright, Lavonne Smith, Cynthia Beckwith and Julie Sorensen.

I should also add that one of my girlfriends said she’s has dibs on the ideal candidate, if he exists, and would gladly and immediately accept his hand in marriage. And, I asked my sister, Alicia, if she thought readers of this would know that I’m joking. To this, she said, “I think whoever reads it will think it is a joke, but maybe you will get one ‘taker.'”

It only takes one — albeit an extra special super duper one.

(And, finally, thanks to friend and colleague Bill Garrels for suggesting we hire a manny in the first place.)

–UEOE (Un-Equal Opportunity Employer)–